New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
