Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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