I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
