If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
