Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
