I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize