I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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