a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
