time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
