Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
