She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
