so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
