Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
