It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
