Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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