I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
