We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
please don't ironically join a cult
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