Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
