is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
