Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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