There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
