Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize