i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize