Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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