if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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