I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You need a sexual gate keeper
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
