Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize