Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize