After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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