Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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