Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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