I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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