look no pants
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
