i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
