Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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