how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
