I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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