omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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