No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
