if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Randomize
