So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
