So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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