okay pat passed out under dana's car
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
