My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
