Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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