God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
