I wish I could punch you in the face.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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