Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
