He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
