They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
