Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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