Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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