I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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