I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
