Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
