I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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