i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
