It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
