So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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