I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
there's paper in my vomit.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize